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Rub My Heiny

Rub My Heiny’s cocoa powder showcases a hint of bitterness like an overworked and underpaid employee. But is offset with the sweetness of brown sugar like the sun kissing the skin of scantily clad surfer. The natural acidity from our Kona Coffee balances both elements and ties it together in holy matrimony. We spent countless hours perfecting the ratio of cayenne and paprika that gave way to balanced heat and smokiness. We consider this to be our flagship product as it has 11 different spices working together like the gears in our fake Rolex we bought in the park. Note: quality products are sold here, not on park benches.




  • Just one ounce of rub will easily season 3+ lbs of pork
  • It’ll make you forget your name when used on pork chops, pork loin, pork butt, ribs, spare ribs, elk, bison, sheep, rabbit, lamb, venison, and more
  • The air-tight zipper keeps it fresh up to 18 months, like the Prince of Bel Air

  • Jam-packed with 11 spices like teenage girls at a free BTS concert: salt, cocoa powder, Kona Coffee, paprika, celery seed, garlic, onion, brown sugar, coriander, black pepper, and cayenne pepper
  • Gluten-free, non-GMO, all-natural, no MSG, no additives, dairy-free, and packaged in a peanut-free facility