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Hens 'N Greens

July 15, 2020 5 min read

Hens 'N Greens

Cornish Hens & Caribbean Turnip Greens (Hens n greens)

Want to experience island life without suffering through airports and humidity? Eating roast hen with coconut infused turnip greens will teleport your senses to the breathtaking shores of the Caribbean. The tender hens are softened further by Rubmedirty's not-so-secret ingredient, Hawaiian coffee, leaving you with meat that falls off the bone with the gentle tension, while the sweet greens will leave you wondering if you ate a plant of a dessert.

Author Michael William Pettigrew

Preparation time: 25 minutes

Cook time: 60 minutes

Serves: 6 humans


1 ham hock

½ Tbsp (tablespoon)Rub My Heiny

1/2 tsp (teaspoon) olive oil

2 turnip greens bunches

3 and 1/2 Tbsp olive oil

1 and 1/2 Tbsp sugar

1 Tbsp salt

1/2 Tbsp paprika

1/2 Tbsp turmeric

1/2 Tbsp pepper

1/2 Tbsp crushed red pepper

2 cloves garlic 

1 cup coconut milk (canned)

6 cups of water

2 Cornish hens with skin

3 TbsRub My Breasts

2 tsp olive oil

2 medium yellow onions

2 big carrots

2 sticks of celery 

1 Tbsp olive oil

1/2 Tbsp salt, pepper, marjoram


9x13 inch pan

Stock pot

Mixing bowl


Before you handle the thawed hens and ham hock, get the olive oil, rubs, and 9x13 inch pan ready. Remember, there’s a good chance the floor you’re standing on is less foul than these fowls. Nowspatchcock the hens. Save the hens’ spines because they’ll make the greens taste better, and we’re minimizing waste to stay true to themission of Rub Me Dirty. Dry off the hens with a towel.


Now dose each hen with 1 tsp of olive oil. Be sure to rub under the skin of the breasts and thighs finding an entry point through the cut. Now work 1 and 1/2 Tbsp ofRub My Breasts into the meat also getting under the skin. Sprinkle a little extra on the skin for extra flavoring. Place both hens with breasts facing up in the 9x13 inch pan. Slather the ham hock with 1/2 tsp of olive oil then coat it with 1/2 Tbsp per hen ofRub My Heiny. Put it in the pan between the hens and spines. Wash your hands like you are about to touch your grandmother’s face, cover the pan, then slide it into your fridge’s DMs. Tomorrow you will dine like King Henry the Thirty Sixth.

Rubbed Hens

That Hawaiian coffee is already tenderizing the hens.

Cook day

Don your slip proof kitchen shoes and favorite apron because it’s time to cook. We’re weaving the steps for both dishes together to save precious time. Take that extra time to remember the best meals you’ve eaten and what made them special.

This recipe uses an oven, but If you’d rather cook the hens in a smoker, try for 225 degrees Fahrenheit for about 2.5 hours. However you choose to heat the meat, make sure the internal temperature reaches 165 degrees Fahrenheit.

Turnip Greens

Two bunches of turnip greens and a knife for scale. The bunch of the right later tested positive for anabolic steroids.

The greens take longer to cook so we’re starting there. Pour the 3 and 1/2 Tbsp of olive oil into a big pot and set the eye to medium heat. Slice the ham in 1/4 inch cubes. Dump the pork in the hot oil along with those spines you saved. While they’re poppin’, wash your hands, then fill up the sink with cold water. Slice off the stems off the greens. Feed them to your chickens or toss them in compost. Wash the turnips thoroughly. Drain the water and refill the sink. Repeat until the water runs clear. Stir the meat. Stack five or six leaves in piles and make 1/2 inch cuts long ways and 1/4 inch cuts sideways. Don’t use a ruler just do your best to cut ‘em up small.


After about 5 minutes, remove the meat from the oil then add the sugar, salt, pepper, paprika, turmeric, and crushed red pepper. Save the pork and put the spines in a bowl on the porch for neighborhood strays. If you’re feeling spicy include cayenne, jalapeño, or whatever your body craves. Mix up this roux of sorts and give it a hot minute to meld. Mince the garlic and toss it in. After the garlic smells stronger than a YMCA sauna, add the greens to the pot. Stir things up more than your crazy uncle at Thanksgiving. Pour in the coconut milk, mix, and turn up the heat. While you’re at it turn the oven on to 425 degrees Fahrenheit. Allow just a few moments for the milk to infuse with the greens. Now dump in 6 cups of water, cover the pot, and bring to a medium boil. Once boiling, reduce the heat to medium and set a timer for 55 minutes. Pat yourself on the back and wet your whistle because the hardest work is over.

On to the main course.Quarter the onions and diagonal the carrots and celery. Toss them in a bowl with 1 Tbsp of oil, 1/2 Tbsp of salt, pepper, and marjoram until the vegetables are evenly coated. Move the hens out of the 9x13 pan, put in the veggies and spread them out, then place the hens back on top with breasts towards the sky. Put the pan into the oven and set a 30 minute timer. When the timer goes off, measure the temperature of the biggest breast. Remember, we want them at least 165 degrees Fahrenheit. When it’s ready, remove the pan and let it rest. Cover the dish with foil if you aren’t going to eat in the next thirty minutes.

Finished Hens

Try not to drool over the pan.

Returning to the greens, the leaves should be broken down and tender like a kiss from your great aunt Janice. When they’re ready, turn off the stove, remove the pot from heat, and stir in the pork. Let the greens sit until your stomach files a case with the International Criminal Court. Plate the vegetable mix, greens, and chicken. Enjoy the delicious fruits of your patient labor!

Plated Meal

Don’t worry. The eater of this plate had seconds!

If you have more than two days of leftover greens, consider freezing a batch. There’s nothing like the joy of gifts to your future self. These leftovers are tasty. Warm them in a covered pan on low-medium heat for just a few minutes. Please tell us what you think about the dish on TwitterFacebook, or Instagram, but if you hate it please send us an email at

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